What it Means to Breathe
by onjupiter
Summary: After graduation and the death of her mother, Quinn moves to New York to start a new life. It's an utter mess, leaving her in a nearly-condemned apartment and working a soul-sucking diner job. And then she runs into Rachel Berry on the subway.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

The rattle of iron bars and the faint smell of urine was enough to make anyone feel a little out of sorts. Quinn Fabray flung the pillow from her head and glanced at the clock. It was nearly four in the morning and this was the third night without sleep. With a sigh, she pulled herself from the bed and stood at her window.

She'd been living in New York for a year now but it seemed like decades. After graduation she had taken the first bus out of Ohio with thirty-five dollars in her pocket. At the time it had seemed cruelly ironic.

Now, she worked at the world's tiniest diner and rented a room from a little old lady who smelled like cats. Yeah, things were going great.

Quinn took one last look at the city before pulling on a pair of jeans and heading to the bar down the block. No one carded her. No one cared.

She thought of her mother as the vodka burned down her throat. The woman who had tried so hard to be there, but death came a'knocking a little too early. Quinn supposed it was for the better. After all, Russell had just started coming around again and she knew Judy would have given in to him. Again.

There was little remorse when she left. There was no one to say goodbye to. They had all drawn away from her those final years of high school. She went back to being invisible, but it wasn't so bad. At least there was no one to stop her from going.

"Lady, I've gotta kick you out." The bartender leaned in. "I'm not even supposed to be selling passed two, ya know?" Quinn nodded, placed the money on the bar and left.

The sun was just starting to come out as she wandered the deserted street. Maybe today would be the day things finally fell into place. She chuckled and made her way to the subway.

As the rails rumbled below her, Quinn leaned against her seat and closed her eyes. Just as sleep was seeping into her, a nearby conversation became audible. "Like, sneaky-hot. If you can get over her chin only coming up to your waist. But the girl can sing, let me tell you." Quinn cocked her head and squinted at the person speaking. Just as her eyes focused, the subway came to stop and everyone rushed off.

Her thoughts turned to a girl she knew in high school. Back then she loathed Rachel Berry for stealing her boyfriends and opening her big mouth about a certain pregnancy. Quinn wondered if Rachel had made it into Julliard like everyone anticipated. She shrugged and headed to the street.

The day seemed to crawl by. Quinn felt liked she had walked the expanse of New York three times over before eventually arriving home.

A cockroach crawled up the wall as she stepped into the shower. She screamed, jumping out and staggering towards her bed. The fetal position seemed comfortable. It wasn't a surprise when a tear slipped down her cheek.

She closed her eyes and let the sobs rip through her body.

The phone vibrating on the bedside table pulled her out of the crying fog. She inhaled, drying her tears and carefully answered it.

"Where the fuck are you, Fabray?" Her manager yelled. She could practically see the saliva shooting from his mouth with each annunciation. She glanced at the clock and rubbed her eyes.

"You know what, Dave. I can't do it anymore. I quit." And she hung up.

Finally, after three days Quinn Fabray slept.

She had no concept of time when she woke. The hours she had been keeping made for a very disoriented girl.

She deduced that it was definitely the next day. Morning, perhaps, but the way the sun was shining. A quick phone check confirmed the suspicion.

The ceiling was particularly interesting this morning and Quinn stared for several minutes before it dawned on her.

She had quit that soul-sucking, no-tipping, greasy diner job. She was free!

Well, sort of.

There was rent to be paid. And food to buy.

Quinn shuffled to the tiny desk in the corner and rifled through a stack of papers. A crumpled resume emerged from the stack and quick attempted to smooth it down. No luck. She sat back on her knees and tried to mentally manipulate the paper. Still nothing.

She cried again and then started laughing. A small chuckle that developed into full-on maniacal laughter.

It was rather hilarious that this broken girl living in a near-condemnation apartment building was once the head cheerleader. The big kahuna. The girl that could part the sea of people in the hallways was now facing poverty and knocking back vodka on a nightly-basis.

Something had to change. The grimy existence was not what she had moved to New York for. The whole point was to create a new life. A better life. Even the life of a struggling artist would be better than this.

And that's when it hit her.

With a mad dash to her laptop, Quinn opened a file marked "portfolio" and scrolled through it.

In high school, doodling had been a way to relieve stress. She had fallen into a deep depression after she gave up Beth and spent the entire summer learning about how to turn those doodles into digital images. It had sort of become an addiction. The typography, the linework, the color schemes and combing elements into a unified piece.

Over the years she had developed a very personal portfolio. Each piece was a landmark of intense emotion or an especially difficult time.

At one point, Quinn though that she could grow up to be a graphic designer. Russell had gotten wind of this and informed her that "art was for queers, not Fabrays."

She started laughing again. Russell really don't know anything.

After a couple of hours, Quinn had a semi-professional portfolio up on the web. She had never shared her art with anyone before and it was rather nerve-wracking to have it in such a public space. But it was her only chance.

Scrambling down to the subway station, Quinn tucked her laptop carefully under her arm and took a seat. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves and anxiety of being poor and homeless.

"I believe the term was 'sneaky hot.'" A voice floated nearby. "He said that you're his first choice and since we're workshopping it, I'd say it's in the bag."

"Oh my god! Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear that?" Another voice chimed in and Quinn shot to attention. It was familiar. It was comforting and terrifying all at the same time. She prayed that the voice wouldn't come into view.

The doors of the subway opened and people shuffled through, rearranging themselves and stealing empty seats.

And that's when Quinn saw her.

Rachel Berry in all her glory.

Quinn's laptop clattered the ground and several pairs of eyes fell on her.

"Quinn?" The voice made her freeze as she bent to pick up the computer. "Quinn Fabray?"

With a deep breath, Quinn locked eyes with Rachel, feeling all power leave her body. At a loss for word, she simply nodded. Composure was not coming fast enough.

"Rachel?" Was all that would come out. The tiny girl grinned widely and tackled her with a hug.

"Oh my god, Quinn!" Rachel gushed. "What are you doing in New York? Do you live here? Are you going to school? How long have you been here?"

Wow, Rachel could talk. She had forgotten about that.

"Yeah. I've lived here since graduation. I'm not going to school right now, just looking for work. That's actually what I'm on my way to do." She indicated the laptop in her hands. Rachel looked it with curiosity. "I'm trying to land a graphic design gig. Or entry-level something at a design agency." Rachel nodded.

"Wow, Quinn. I had no idea you were into that." Another beaming grin. "Hey! I have an idea. We should grab some coffee. Send you on your job hunt the right way."

It was then that Quinn noticed Rachel's eyes. The smile never quite reached them. Instead of answering, she glanced at Rachel's companion sitting a few feet away.

"Oh!" Rachel lunged for her friend and pulled her toward Quinn. "This is Rebecca, my roommate. Rebecca, this is Quinn Fabray. We went to high school together."

Rebecca stuck out her hand and shook Quinn's. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Quinn." She said, eyeing the blonde suspiciously.

Quinn felt her gut surge. So she had a reputation. Rachel still talked of the pain Quinn caused.

"I'd love to get coffee, but I'm afraid I really must get to the job hunting. I already got a bit of a later start than I intended. Rain check?" Relief rushed into Rachel's eyes as she nodded. "Great! How about I get your number?" Rachel nodded again and pulled out her phone.

Just as they finished exchanging numbers, Rachel declared the next was their stop and she rushed off the train, yanking Rebecca along behind her.

Quinn sucked in a breath and blinked several times. Her heart was beating out of chest.

In that quick exchange, Quinn felt years of repressed feelings surging through her body.

Once, long ago, Quinn Fabray and loved Rachel Berry.

And Rachel Berry loved her back.


	2. Chapter 2

Quinn Fabray seldom assumed but after seeing Rachel Berry on the subway the day before, it was hard not to assume that old pain was lingering.

Yesterday, she had been thankful that finding a job was her main focus. Today was proving to be a lot harder.

With nothing but a barred window and some cockroaches to keep her company, Quinn couldn't help but muse over her long-lost love.

She wasn't dense. She had always know that Rachel was something special even before the little starlet opened her mouth and sang.

No, Quinn had always felt a soulful connection to the girl. An undeniable attraction that refused to pass or fade.

Quinn had been afraid. God, she had been so afraid. The feelings she had for Rachel went against everything she was taught and they were so powerful that it became nearly impossible to even see the brunette.

High school had been a nightmare. With no other outlet for her desire, Quinn lashed out at the other girl. Called her cruel names and threw slushies at her. Every slushie would make Quinn cringe, both at the pain in Rachel's eyes but also the immediate relief it gave.

This had gone on until the summer of their junior year where they ended up working at the same summer camp. Quinn couldn't take it anymore.

She leaned back against the wall and her eyes fluttered shut as she remembered.

_Rachel was sitting on the dock a few feet away. Her body was tanned and her bathing suit was modest and attractive. Very attractive._

_Quinn was trying really hard to care about lifeguard duty, but she simply couldn't with those legs stretched out into the water. Rachel glanced over and smiled shyly._

_She'd been doing that a lot lately. Quinn would glance over at Rachel and there'd be a stupidly adorable smile slapped onto her face. Curiosity always evident in the head-cock._

_Most of the other counselors were off with their campers somewhere doing something a lot more exciting than watching three kids swim around in the shallow part of the lake._

_Quinn breathed deeply. _

_Well, she tried to. It had become exceedingly difficult lately. The whole breathing thing. She wasn't even really sure what it meant to breathe anymore. _

_She sucked in air and puffed out her chest, trying to look casual and unaffected._

"_Hey Rachel." She said, plunking down next to the brunette who gave her the most glorious smile to ever be witnessed by a human being._

"_Hi, Quinn. How are you? Have any of the children drowned yet?" _

"_Unfortunately, no." Her eyes were fixated on Rachel legs that were splashing lightly in the water beneath them. "That Tommy kid is getting on my nerves. And he keeps pretending to drown and splashing me."_

"_Maybe he has a crush on you." Rachel said. "You are very crush-worthy."_

_Quinn flexed her jaw will her vocals cords to function properly but the words weren't coming._

"_Cat got your tongue?" Rachel teased and bumped Quinn's shoulder with hers. Quinn raised an eyebrow bumped back with a grin on her face._

_Her eyes were still fixated on Rachel's legs pattering away in the water._

_A devilish grin spread over her face as Rachel bumped her again. Quinn bumped back a little harder this time and again until Rachel went in with a splash and a scream._

"_Quinn Fabray! How dare you! I was just starting to tan!"_

"_Sorry, it was an accident!" Quinn said and wiggled her eyebrows. "Here, let me help you out." She reached her hand out to Rachel who gripped it tightly and yanked Quinn into the water._

_She splashed around and pretended to drown, squealing every time she surfaced. _

_Rachel looked unamused._

"_Quinn. Stand up."_

_Her feet found the rocky bottom and she stood up, giving Rachel a sheepish grin._

"_Come on, it was funny."_

"_No, it really wasn't" Splash._

"_Yeah, it really was." Splash splash._

"_Quinn, stop arguing. The joke was on me and I deem it very unfunny. And stop splashing me!" Splash splash splash._

_Quinn drew closer to Rachel with splash, sending the other girl into a fit of choked giggles and retaliation. _

_It took her a minute to realize that she was nose-to-nose with Rachel. The water had made it difficult to see between them. Rachel grabbed Quinn's hand to cease the splashing._

_Quinn gulped._

_She looked up into those big, beautiful brown eyes and something exploded. She closed the few inches between their faces and pressed her lips to Rachel with the utmost tenderness._

_For a second, Rachel didn't respond. She seemed stunned. Quinn could feel the brunette's body stiffen against her. _

_And then she felt those lips press back, if only slightly and it was the most glorious thing Quinn Fabray had ever felt in her life._

_She came undone and wrapped her hand around the base of Rachel's neck, drawing her in and carefully deepening the kiss._

_After what seemed like hours, Rachel finally pushed her hands against Quinn's chest and pulled away, but maintaining contact._

_Quinn's eyes blazed into hers._

"_Quinn." Rachel's voice was soft. Quinn barely heard her, but it sent a shiver down her spine._

_She answered back equally soft. "Rachel."_

"_This. I. You." For the first time, Rachel Berry was speechless and Quinn fell a little more in love with her._

"_I know. I-I'm sorry." _

"_No!" Rachel grabbed Quinn's hand. "No, not like that. I just-I didn't know. If I had known, Quinn. I'd have-" Her eyes fell to the water. "I'd have done something long ago."_

_Quinn's knees buckled and she dropped into the water like a ten-pound rock. _

_Rachel's soft hands caught Quinn's arms before she hit and pulled her up. _

"_I've got you, Quinn."_

_And that's when Quinn knew she was a goner._

The ceiling wasn't that exciting after staring at it for hours.

Quinn finally sat up and shook the nostalgia from her eyes.

That life was long over. Rachel had moved on with her life because Quinn had let her go.

She was afraid to see Rachel again. The past would inevitably come up, or worse, it wouldn't come up at all.

There was an ache inside her that hurt worse than her mother's death. It was a void. A place within her heart that had been demolished and a new foundation had never been poured.

She glanced her phone on the bedside table and cautiously picked up, scrolling through the contacts until she found Rachel's number.

She stared at it for a good ten minutes. Each number taunting her, saying she wasn't brave enough to do what had to be done.

It was time to apologize. It was time to set things right.

Taking in a mouthful of air, Quinn clicked the "call" button. There was a cacophony in her chest. Pounding and breathing. Pounding and breathing.

"Hello?"

"Rachel, it's Quinn."


End file.
